You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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