Your face is a jimmy john
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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