This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
