Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
