glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize