I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
