I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
whose ass print is on the piano?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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