listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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