I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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