Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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