theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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