So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
