i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
