If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
