I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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