apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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