he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
there is glitter all over my balls
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