I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
And then he peed in my hair
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