I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
