Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
