I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
