You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
