Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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