I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize