She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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