I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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