I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That accounts for only three of the penises
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
