I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
