I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
