Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
