i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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