porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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