I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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