He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
PANTIES FOUND
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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