Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize