i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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