My liver just broke up with me...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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