i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
