I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
