I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i think my mom watched the whole time
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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