I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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