There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
