last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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