the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
