You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
