So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
