Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
