it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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