Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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