I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
