I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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