On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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