i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize