My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
