I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
