Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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