I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
