dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize