I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We have started to decorate penises.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
