In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
