There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
