u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
