did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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