i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
