I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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