Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
