So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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