I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
